


the adventures of stanley the matchmaking parrot

by hippopotamus



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, pet shop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-10 00:16:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11115882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hippopotamus/pseuds/hippopotamus
Summary: In which Even and Isak are ridiculously obvious, and Jonas’ wingman skills are second only to a parrot’s.





	the adventures of stanley the matchmaking parrot

**Author's Note:**

> this is, by far, the most ridiculous au ive ever written.  
> ever  
> also its jonas pov, which was interesting and a lot fun to write (still third person tho i dont do 1st person idk why)  
> but i hope you enjoy anyway! huge thanks to [isi](http://isisisak.tumblr.com) for bein a great pal and reading through it and letting me rant to her about it :D

Jonas is having a staring competition with a parrot.

Not that this is a rare occurrence for him, because, unfortunately, it really isn’t.

On this particular Sunday, in the pet shop where he works alongside his best friend Isak, the reason for the staring competition is that he just muttered the word “shit,” and he’s telepathically begging Stanley the parrot not to repeat it in a loud yell. 

The fact is, there’d be three things wrong with that, 1) there’s a sweet little old lady in the shop right now, Isak is showing her some hamsters to buy her granddaughter, and she looks like she’d faint if she heard a parrot shout “shit” at the top of its voice. 2) Jonas’ manager is working today, he’s in the back room but he would absolutely be able to hear the loudest parrot in Oslo. 3) Jonas is already on two strikes for unprofessional behaviour at work (the first two strikes were both Isak’s fault, but since Jonas knows his best friend needs the money from this job, he’s taken the blame for 1 - playing catch with cat toys, and 2 - leaving Angelina the corn snake’s cage door open, so she accidentally found her way into the back room.)

So he’s having the staring competition. Stanley is looking at him with beady eyes, and tilting his head to the side, as if to say  _ I’ve got you now, _ and Jonas just knows that he’ll have to sacrifice some of his orange to appease it. He also knows that breaking eye contact is as good as giving the parrot permission to shout, and so he has to bend his knees, reach under the counter, and grab the fruit without so much as a glance away from the parrot-shaped spawn of Satan.

He gets through it, at least, throws a segment of orange over to the feathered demon, and finally,  _ finally _ , looks away. His eyes fall on the door of the shop, which has just opened to let in “6-foot-something-ridiculous of life-ruiningly hot third year”.

Those are Isak’s (drunken) words, not his, although he has to admit he sees where his friend is coming from, despite not swinging that way himself. 

His name is Even Bech Næsheim, and Isak is smitten with him, after maybe three passing conversations in the corridors at school. Jonas thinks if his best friend turned around right now from his position of showing hamsters to an old lady, he would collapse in a puddle and Jonas would never see him again. 

Now that he thinks about it, he actually can't wait for Isak to turn around. The guy’s a pain in the ass. And his reaction to seeing Even outside of the usual school hallways is going to be brilliant.

Even walks confidently up to the counter where Jonas is, and Stanley, as usual, screeches in delight. 

“Hello! Hello! Hello!” the parrot chants over and over, and Jonas has to force the grin on his face to stay pleasant, and the fist he’s made of his hand stay away from the parrot’s smug little beak, as he greets Even. 

“Hi, welcome, how can i help?” Jonas hates working in customer service so much. If it wasn't for the fact that his parents have refused to stop financing his spending habits (fortunately they don’t know that’s just weed and beer), he would be throwing stuff at the parrot so that he'd get fired. (He could just quit, but why go out without a bang if there’s a demonic bird that he could take down with him?)

“Hi!” Even replies. “I'm here to buy a pet.”

Jonas is thankful for the weeks of practice he’s had in not rolling his eyes at this statement. 

“Anything particular in mind?” He replies, instead of the eye roll. 

“Uh,” Even pauses. “I don't know really. Its for my eight year old sister, so..” he tails off, then continues, “I was hoping you could help?” 

Jonas nods, keeping the fake smile on his face and turns to the left. 

“Isak, your pet-selecting expertise is required!” He calls across the store, and he can see Isak’s hand twitching to flip him off when he hears, because they both know that Jonas  _ could _ do it, but he’s too lazy to move from behind the counter, and Isak owes him.

“I'll just be a minute, jonas!” isak replies, without turning round, in a falsely bright voice, and Jonas gives the back of his head a wicked grin. 

“You don't mind waiting a couple of minutes?” he asks Even, whose gaze seems to be directed elsewhere - namely, the back of Isak’s head. 

Jonas kind of wants to yell “I told you he stares back at you!” to Isak, as Even slowly manages to shift his eyes back to Jonas. 

“No that’s fine,” he smiles. “You go to Nissen, right? I've seen you around.”

“Yeah,” Jonas grins, “Isak too.” He points his thumb over to his best friend, and Even follows the direction, although Jonas knows he doesn’t have any real reason to do that. there’s only two other people in this shop, and Jonas is fairly sure Even can work out that an 80 year old does not attend Nissen. 

“What class are you in?” Jonas asks, genuinely curious now because he’s only seen Even this year, but he doesn't look anywhere near young enough to be a first year. He regrets asking it, though, because he's kind of unwilling to shift Even’s focus away from Isak. 

That doesn't happen, anyway. Evens eyes remain firmly locked on the back of Isak’s head as he says “3STB,” in a slow distracted voice. 

Jonas, thankfully, is allowed to roll his eyes while Even’s not looking. 

_ What's so interesting about the back of someone's head? _

Eventually, Isak and the old lady make their way over to the counter, hamster in a little carry box, and a various number of unnecessary accessories that Isak has always been good at persuading people to buy. 

Jonas rings up the items one by one, keeping his focus on Isak, who has just noticed Even. Jonas’ best friend privileges extend to knowing exactly what Isak is thinking, with his widened eyes and slightly dropped open mouth. 

“You’re looking for a pet?” he squeaks out, and Jonas has to smother a laugh with a coughing fit at his best friend’s reaction to seeing his crush. 

“Excuse me,” he says to the old lady, who for some reason looks  _ scandalised.  _ At a bit of  _ coughing _ . Oh, well. He’s learnt to deal with odd people in his months here. 

Isak, surprisingly, manages to walk in a straight line to the cages at the back wall, with Even following him, and manages to coherently get through the string of questions that they ask customers looking for pets - how much time and money they can spend, whether they have the landlord’s/house owner’s permission, etc, etc. Actually, this isn’t too surprising, because Jonas is fairly sure that Isak could do this in his sleep by now. 

Somewhere along the way, the old lady leaves. He’s done the whole exchange on autopilot, slightly too invested in his best friend's progress with the cute boy to even register his interaction with the old lady. The only part of the exchange that he registers is the loud “Goodbye!” from Stanley, and then he returns to pretending to do something useful while putting all of his brainpower into eavesdropping. 

“Do you give them names?” Even is asking Isak as he takes the little mouse from him to hold. 

“Uh, no, we’re not allowed,” Isak replies. 

Jonas knows this isn’t strictly true. He and Isak have named all the animals, they’re just not allowed to tell the customers that. In fact, Jonas named all the animals, and Isak agreed with him, but that’s because the guy has absolutely no creativity. The only one he named was Angelina the corn snake, and now he’s weirdly attached to her because of it. Jonas thinks he’ll cry when she gets sold. 

“Do you not want to name them?” Even asks, and Isak shrugs. “Do you have a favourite?”

Someone should tell him he’s being unprofessional. Even is supposed to be here to buy a pet for his eight year old sister, not flirt ( _ is _ it flirting? Isak just looks like a mess) 

(What’s new there?)

Jonas tunes out of actually listening to their conversation for a while, instead sneakily listening to music through his earphones, but making sure to keep sneaking glances to check on his best friend’s progress.

He’s fairly sure Even hasn’t taken his eyes off Isak the whole time they’ve been talking, and he’s also pretty sure Isak’s barely been able to meet the third year’s eyes without blushing, although thankfully, it’s not  _ too _ obvious.

After a while, he sees Even take out his phone and leave the shop to answer a call, and Jonas beckons Isak over with a sly grin.

“Don’t fucking talk,” Isak commands as he stands in front of the desk. “Remember when that hot girl was in here last week? You did the same thing.”

Jonas gives a smug smile. “You like him.” Isak rolls his eyes, a gesture that Jonas has learnt is his favourite way of answering questions. “Admit it. You think he’s hot.” The evil glare that Isak fixes him with is the most ineffective Jonas has ever experienced, and he cackles loudly. “You have to say it.”

“No.”

“Say it. Even is hot. Come on.”

“No.”

“Three words, Isak, come on, I know you wanna say it.”

“No.”

“I’ll shut up if you say it.”

“No.”

“Say ittttttttt.”

“Fine!” Isak throws his hands up in defeat. “Even is fucking hot, okay?”

Jonas grins. “I knew it!”

And then he remembers Stanley, the feathered demon, who is standing at the edge of the counter, tilting his head, beady eyes glinting, because his brain recognises the word “fuck”.

Isak and Jonas share a look, and Jonas reaches for his orange, but it’s too late. There’s a distraction in the form of the door opening to let Even back inside, and then the parrot squawks in delight, lifts himself off, and flies around the shop, yelling at the top of it’s tiny lungs.

“Even is fucking hot! Even is fucking hot!”

Jonas is torn between who to look at - Even, with his bemused expression, or Isak, whose face is turning the brightest shade of pink he’s ever seen.

Their manager hears the commotion, and pushes open the door from the back room. “Isak!” he calls. “Get in here.”

“This is your fault,” Isak hisses as he moves to the back room. “Tell Even  _ you  _ said it. Or I  _ swear  _ I will get you fired.”

Jonas doesn’t doubt that he will, but he also has a plan. Even doesn’t have to be  _ convinced  _ that Jonas said it. That wasn’t part of their deal.

Even still looks bemused as he walks up to Jonas, who gives him the most placating smile he can manage.

“I’m very sorry for the parrot’s behaviour, sir.” He says in his falsest customer service voice, and Even seems to be trying not to laugh.

“No worries,” he replies. “Parrots just repeat what they hear, right?”

The parrot in question has just settled back down on the edge of the counter, and is chuckling heartily in its wierd little parrot voice. Despite the excitement it’s given him today, he still hates the devil-bird’s guts.

“Stanley only repeats swearwords, actually,” he tells Even. ”So when he heard Isak - I mean - me, swear-” 

“You?”

Jonas clears his throat, and tries to make his tone as unconvincing as possible. “Yeah, me, of course. You’re good-looking, man.”

Even, thank god, doesn’t look like he believes Jonas. “Thanks.”

“Anyway, can I help more? Since Isak is busy taking the blame, are you wanting to buy-”

“Uh, no,” Even shakes his head. “We’re gonna, uh,  come back with my sister next week or something.”

Jonas nods.

“Anyway, i just came back in because me and my friends are hosting a party next Friday, you and Isak should come. Bring friends, if you’d like.”

“Oh, awesome. Yeah, man, we’d love to!”

He’s already scheming in his head. There’s no way Isak’s going to that party and  _ not _ getting with Even.

*

Isak has changed his mind 5 separate times about whether he’s going during the first half an hour of their pregame with Magnus and Mahdi on Friday.

Jonas won’t actually let Isak out of it, but he lets Isak bitch, because it’s actually quite hilarious to see the guy get flustered over the hot third year. He’s lost count now of how many times he’s reminded Isak how in love he is with Even, and assured his best friend that  _ yes, Even was looking at you, yes, like that, yes, Isak, he wants you, yes. _

“I heard he used to have a girlfriend,” Isak says this time, the 6th excuse he’s attempted to give. “I’ve got no chance. He’s straight.”

“Oh, sure, Isak, just, you know, erase multiple gender attraction,” Mahdi rolls his eyes. “I really appreciate it.”

“That’s not-” Isak tries, guiltily, but Mahdi just raises his eyebrows, causing Isak to grimace at him. “Sorry.”

“Isak,” Jonas sighs. “We’re going, and you’re getting laid, and hopefully boyfriended. Just accept it.”

“Why would he like  _ me _ , though? This is ridiculous. I’m not going.”

Jonas stands, making a quick decision, and moves to Isak’s cupboard to pull out the half empty bottle of whiskey that’s been stashed there from the last party.

“Drink,” he orders Isak, and Isak looks at him as if he’s lost his mind. “Courage, Isak, either you make it yourself, or you steal it from alcohol.”

Isak squints his eyes at Jonas, before pulling the bottle towards him, taking a long drink before slamming the bottle back down and shivering dramatically.

“Fine. Let’s go.”

Jonas claps his hands together in victory. “Yesssssss.”

*

On second thoughts, maybe he shouldn’t have made Isak drink that whiskey. The guy can barely walk in a straight line when he’s sober, and now? He’s almost going in circles, giggling all the while.

By the time they reach the party, Isak has nearly fallen over twice, and Jonas and Magnus almost have to hold him up.

Thankfully, when they do arrive at the party, it’s full of people, and they don’t see Even before Jonas has a chance to throw his best friend down onto a couch in the corner and shove a glass of water in his hand.

“You were the one who told me to drink the whiskey,” Isak mumbles, but drinks the water anyway.

It seems to work a little. When Jonas goes back to check on him half an hour later he’s not slumped down any more, but unfortunately he’s not talking to Even yet either. He’s squished into the side of the couch by some first year girl, looking as uncomfortable as Jonas has ever seen him.

Jonas’ eyes scan the room quickly, looking for a way to help Isak out, and then his eyes fall on Even.

Even is already looking at Isak, and Jonas notices that actually, Isak is looking back. They’re holding eye contact over a room full of people, while the girl next to Isak tries desperately to focus his attention back on her.

This is better than Jonas could have ever imagined, although neither of the boys seem to be intent on moving towards each other at any time soon, so Jonas takes matters into his own hands, and walks towards Even.

“Hey man, sick party!” He calls over the loud music. Even seems to be broken out of a trance by Jonas’ sudden appearance, and it takes a lot of willpower not to burst out laughing. “Thanks for inviting us!”

“Yeah, no problem, man,” Even replies, eyes still flickering back to Isak between glances at Jonas.

“Do you know that girl next to Isak?” Jonas asks, keeping his tone light and steady.

Even’s jaw clenches slightly. “No. Never seen her in my life.”

“Oh,” Jonas replies. “Well, I came to ask you a favour, actually.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“Uh,” Jonas pauses a minute, thinking up a quick lie. “See, the thing is, me and that girl have some history, so I can’t go over there and rescue Isak. And I was wondering if you would help him out. I don’t think she knows he’s gay, and he’s always too awkward to just tell girls not to hit on him.”

Even’s eyebrows flick up in surprise, and Jonas is pretty sure he sees him trying to fight a smile. “Oh, yeah,” Even replies casually. “Yeah, sure, I’ll help him out.”

He practically sprints across the room, and flings himself down onto the sofa on the opposite side of the girl to Isak. Jonas can’t hear what they’re saying from across the room, but Isak is looking slightly dazed by Even’s presence, and a minute later the girl stands and walks away. The relief on Isak’s face is obvious, until Even scoots closer to him on the sofa, and his face changes to resemble one of blind panic.

Jonas takes a sip of his drink, and knows it’s going to be a good night.

He watches until he can tell that Even has engrossed Isak in conversation, and then decides it’s high time he went off to have fun of his own. He is, after all, at a party.

He ends up drinking far too much that night, but even through the blur of alcohol, he remembers seeing Even leading Isak out of the house, and he’s pretty sure that’s the last he sees of them all evening.

*

When Jonas arrives at work on Sunday, he thinks he’s still a bit hungover, and he’s never wanted to punch Stanley the parrot in the face more after he greets Jonas loudly, making his head pound.

He hasn’t spoken to Isak since Friday night, although his fingers had been itching to text all day yesterday to ask what had happened, where he and Even had disappeared off to, but he resisted, because if all his dreams came true, Isak spent the day with Even, and he didn’t want to interrupt that.

Isak is at work already when Jonas arrives, and the look on his face tells Jonas everything he needs to know.

He’s looking down at his phone with a dopey grin, tapping out a message, and he doesn’t notice Jonas sneak behind him and steal a glance over his shoulder, to see the contact name “Even <3” (he gets a loveheart? Already? This really is perfect) He doesn’t read the messages, because he’s a good person (ok, maybe he catches a few words like  _ it was good to hang out with you yesterday, see you later?  _ and Isak’s reply of  _ can’t wait :D _ ) 

“So,” Jonas says loudly, making Isak jump and turn around. “How was yesterday?”

“Yesterday?” Isak squeaks, convincing absolutely no one with his pretense of not knowing what Jonas is talking about.

Jonas gives his best  _ I see through your bullshit _ look, and Isak sighs.

“It was nice.”

It’s a pathetic attempt at a casual answer, Jonas thinks, because the dopey grin is right back on Isak’s face as soon as he says it.

“Details, Isak!” Jonas clicks his fingers impatiently.

“You sound like Eskild right now,” Isak says, rolling his eyes.

“Tell me what happened, and I’ll leave you alone,” Jonas says, which is an empty promise and they both know it.

“We just hung out, and talked, and stuff,” Isak shrugs, turning to the side to busy himself with restocking shelves.

“Did you kiss?” Jonas asks eagerly.

“That’s none of your business!”

So yes, they did.

“When are you seeing him again?”

Isak pauses, trying again to fight his dopey grin, which Jonas can see right through.

“He’s bringing his little sister to buy her a pet today.”

“Oh, meeting the family already! Brilliant.”

Isak’s eyes, again, roll backwards into his head. “Aren’t you meant to be doing work?”

Jonas lets out an exaggerated sigh. “Fine! But you owe me!”

“I owe you for what?”

“Everything,” says Jonas.

Isak doesn’t justify him with an answer, and Jonas just laughs as he walks off towards the back room to actually do the job that he gets paid for.

He’s standing by the counter a few hours later, and Isak has been sneaking glances at the door every five seconds.

And then Even finally arrives, with an eight year old in tow. As soon as he sees, Jonas turns to Isak, and sees the dopey smile spread itself back on his face. This couldn’t be more perfect - Jonas knows that Isak is great with kids (who’d have thought, with how much of a grump he is?) so if Even isn’t already in love with him, he will be soon.

“Hi!” Even calls, cheerfully, after he can make himself heard over the parrot’s deafening greeting. Even’s sister looks up at the bird in wonder, and Jonas doesn’t know if he should break it to her that the bird is  _ not _ amazing, he’s a menace.

Jonas replies to Even’s greeting with a “‘sup?” while Isak goes for a slightly more enamoured “hi,” and a smile at Even.

“We were wondering if you could show us some animals again,” Even says, and the eight year old nods her head vigorously, looking around the shop to try and spot some animals, even when the parrot in front of her bounces from foot to foot, yelling “pick me! Pick me!”

“Of course,” Isak smiles, and leads them to the back. For once, he doesn’t try and make Jonas do the work for him, which really says something about how gone he is for the third year. Jonas is thrilled.

He decides that it’s only fair that since he was instrumental in getting them together, he gets to eavesdrop on their conversation, which won’t be that exciting with an eight year old there too anyway, so he’s not exactly being rude. Just a little nosy.

Jonas is right, of course Isak works his charm with Even’s sister just like he knew he would, and Even stands next to them, watching Isak in wonder as he shows the eight year old various animals.

“Even,” his sister tugs on his sleeve, effectively distracting his attention from where it’s focussed intently on Isak’s face.

“Yeah, buddy?”

“I want the snake.”

“Okay. You don’t want something fluffier?”

“No,” his sister says, sounding disgusted. “I want the snake.”

Jonas seriously hopes that Isak isn’t about to break down, because of his weird attachment to Angelina, but thankfully Isak looks pretty chill about the whole thing. And then Jonas remembers that Isak will probably be at Even’s place every day from now on (or, there’s a chance he won’t be, Jonas supposes. But he knows how clingy his best friend can get, and he highly suspects that he and Even, judging by how long they’ve been crushing on each other, won’t be together at all available times from now on). It’ll almost be as if he’d bought the snake himself, which Jonas knows he would have done if kollektivet allowed pets.

Jonas highly doubts that Even is fully listening to the speech that Isak gives him about looking after a snake, because he keeps noticing Even’s gaze flicker down to Isak’s lips. At least his sister seems more sensible than him.

It takes a while, but eventually, Even and his little sister get everything sorted, and all that’s left to do is for Isak to hand them the snake, and for them to leave.

“Bye Angie,” he hears Isak whisper to the snake as he hands the box to Even’s sister, but it’s not quiet enough.

“Huh?” Even’s sister turns around to stare at Isak, who turns bright red.

“Uh, it’s just my nickname for her. Angelina. It’s not her actual name or anything, you get to decide that.”

“Even, I wanna call her Angelina!”

“Okay,” Even says, distracted, grinning at Isak, who is looking down at his feet in embarrassment. “Thought you said you didn’t name the animals?” he teases.

Isak clears his throat. “Uh, we don’t. Technically.”

Even smiles fondly at him, then leans in and gives Isak a kiss on the cheek.

“See you later,” he says, and Isak practically  _ glows _ .

Jonas almost wants to high-five Stanley the parrot, if that were possible.

*

Even really did mean “see you later” apparently. Four hours later, when Jonas and Isak’s shift ends, he shows up. Jonas can see him waiting outside for Isak.

“You didn’t tell me he was picking you up from work, dude?” Jonas says outraged that Isak wouldn’t tell him something as important as this. “That’s so fu- I mean,” he looks at Stanley, who looks back at him evilly, “that’s so romantic. How did you get this lucky?”

“You made a parrot yell that I thought he was hot.”

“Oh yeah,” Jonas nods, and holds a fist out to Stanley. “Gimme some, dude.”

Stanley just tilts his head in confusion, and Jonas sighs. “Figures. Anyway,” he looks back at Isak. “I’ll finish up here. You go get your man.”

“I already got him,” Isak replies, smugly.

“Yes, you’re welcome, now get out of here,” he pushes Isak, and it doesn’t take much persuasion for Isak to move towards the door.

“See you later, Jonas!”

“Keep me updated,” Jonas winks, and Isak raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah, no, that’s not happening. Bye!” 

Jonas watches through the window of the shop, and wonders how long it’ll take for the new couple to become unbearable. For now, though, he grins with pride, because his best friend just got the guy he’s been crushing on for ages, and they’re already disgustingly adorable.

And it’s all thanks to a parrot who loves to swear.

Jonas still fucking hates Stanley, though.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! hope you enjoyed!  
> comments and kudos are appreciated a lot a lot a lot  
> my tumblr is [here!](http://pansexualmahdidisi.tumblr.com)  
> love always xxx


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